My own Year in Review

“A high station in life is earned by the gallantry with which appalling experiences are survived with grace.” Tennessee Williams

It’s time for my own version of this and some reflecting of my own.  A friend sent me an email suggesting some things to ponder and so I share some of that with you.   This year I got brave, I married someone, which by the way, is not an easy task when you have lived most of your adult years as unmarried.  I applied for a grant making myself known to arts organizations and professionals in the field which made me have to overcome a lot of my own inadequacies and lack of confidence.  I began the process of creating a new piece of work.  I took on a role in a play that I didn’t feel qualified or prepared to do but took it on anyway and feel more in touch and connected and grateful for this experience.  I started to let go of things that weren’t working anymore and weren’t my responsibility to begin with, including some relationships.    I faced some setbacks, not getting the grant, losing my kitty, not having a business work the way I hoped it would.   And so as the door closes on 2011, I say goodbye to some things and open to others.  The intentions stay with me, to say yes to opportunities that would further me as an actor or writer, that I check in with myself and not take on too much, that I strengthen the relationships that I have by being present with those people I cherish and to make myself available to the possibilities rather than be trudging through the doubts and fears.    And I give myself permission to change my mind about any of it at anytime. 

Shades of Green

I fit the term "green eyed monster" a little too literally.  Lately, it's pervasive not just in eye color but in mental states as well.   And I have various reasons for it's justification.  Things not going so well, I can look towards the 'current state of blah-blah-blah and look at blah-blah and it's crappy that blah-blah and they don't deserve blah-blah' and well it's become the blah-blah-blahs.  Jealousy is a seldom admitted but often feeling that is so unattractive and leaves me petty and miserable.  And yet it disguises itself well.  Root of it, well, that's where the murkiness lies.  Insecurity, small mindedness, sense of some sort of loss, low self esteem, but ultimately it's roots are somewhere in 'I'm not enough-ness' and in that state, well, it's a sorry place to be.  But as humans, we can trace the roots of jealousy all the way back to infancy.  Studies have show infants as young as five months exhibit traits of jealousy. 
So what can I combat this with.  When I look around at the current state of blah-blah.  A gratitude list is one way.  Being grateful cultivates a state of happiness.  If there is something that I want in another person or circumstance, wanting it, not coveting it, creates a state of lack.  Can I adjust this to a feeling of 'this is something that I can attain and I am grateful.'   I'll get back to you on the rest, for now, the human experiment continues....

Purging

I just spent a great deal of time purging my inbox, sent items and trash from one of my emails.  Note the term 'one of my emails.'  I have several.  And it's all about to get a little less complex when I change my email address.  You see, in attending a bridal show where you have to give your email to win prizes, etc, they give your email address to EVERYONE.  So I have been getting regularly spammed by them and the rest of the wedding sites (i.e. David's Bridal, The Knot, etc) whose "partners" are also sending me emails.  I was going to change my email address anyway but this just prompts it to happen more quickly. 

In my former life, we used to keep emails.  We kept records of what other people sent us as it sometimes was necessary to create a 'paperless' trail of events that happened, find out who did what and when and why, and sometimes, letting people know that they were notified of said policy, event, etc and why didn't they do what they were supposed to.  The list is endless on why we kept emails.  Some even printed them out and starting keeping files.  I think now of what all of that information did.  And most of it did nothing.  One place in particular I can think of kept tremendous amounts of that information for naught.  The players are now all gone, the people who are there could care less and everything applicable to why we kept the information doesn't apply anymore.

In my current life, I have a bad habit of keeping emails in my inbox for a long time.  It starts with it's something I need to respond to.  Then in turns into a to-do list.  And then it becomes another thing I look at and wonder why I'm keeping it.  So today, I purged.  Deleted.  Removed.  Found all the things sent and deleted them too.  Unless it's something that I'm going to follow up on, then I need to follow up on it.  Today.  Not wait, not question, but follow up on it today.  If it's something I need to refer to later, such as an email from a film producer and I'm waiting to get a copy of said film I was in, then I file it in my "acting" folder.  Some day I'm going to purge those folders too.  Because someday, I'm not going to be here anymore.  My stuff is going to be someone's responsibility to clean up and get rid of.  They're going to wonder why it was important to me and what exactly did it pertain to.  I'd rather not have that burden of sifting through my junk be on someone's shoulders.  Because most of it won't matter any more. 

I think of old beliefs and thoughts that come up from time to time and do some purging there.  There's a big pattern of holding on to things.   Whether it's from family or not, it's my job to purge them.  It's my job to remove and put things in the trash.  I don't even have to examine where they come from or what they're doing, I can just delete.  Sometimes they are a little harder to delete and other times, it's like saying goodbye to a wart, thank you for nothing and see ya!  My active practice of reflection on and off the mat helps me do this.  I make room for other things.  Like freedom and space.  In my mind, in my life.  Room for peace. 

Out with the old - in with the new?

One Love Newsletter 2011
As I reflect back on the past year there are more than a few things I've learned:

1.  I can do a lot.
2.  I get burned out doing a lot.
3.  I don't have to do everything.
4.  Sometimes opportunities arise and I don't necessarily have to take them.
5.  I would rather have peace that be "productive."
6.  I don't know when my last good-bye to someone is.
7.  I make up the rules most of the time and then I have to live by them.
8.  If I want more time with my friends or family, I have to give up something else, and this shouldn't be a hard choice.  Either way, I win.
9.  Maybe if I make my list smaller, I'd allow myself the opportunity to fully and completely dedicate myself to a task and feel more confident about my choices.
10.  Maybe if I look at my choices, I'd feel more confident about my life.
11.  Maybe if I feel confident about my life, I don't have to question my choices.
12.  If I believe in a universe that has a certain order to it and is constantly adjusting to that order, I wouldn't question those weird instances but look at them as "adjustments" to bring about a change.
13.  Maybe I could stop questioning the process and trust more.
14.  If I trust more, peace is in the process.

15.  This list could go on forever but it won't.

Happy New Year.

When you have come to the edge of all the light you have
And step into the darkness of the unknown
Believe that one of the two will happen to you
Either you'll find something solid to stand on
Or you'll be taught how to fly!

—Richard Bach